This morning as I opened my devotional material to do quiet time I was struck by the verse given for the day's reading. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. I must have seen that verse a thousand times before, memorised it and quoted it here and there. But this morning it just struck me again as being so beautiful, so firm, so assuring, like an unshakeable Rock on which to build your life on. I think it ties in with what I've been thinking about since Sunday, when my pastor said, "Those who fear God have no need to fear anyone else." I've been either so people-centred or self-centred I've lost track of what should be my true and main focus. I need to come back to that.

I've come to the realisation that Block Test 1 is less than a month away and I'm terribly unprepared. I need to kick myself out of this lethargy and get back into studying full scale. I musn't make the mistake I made in my Sec 4 year, when I lazed away and allowed my complacency to get a hold of me. I have a problem. Whenever I do well in something, or relatively well in something, I always rest on my laurels. And that allowed so many people to overtake me in studies in Sec 4. I can't let that happen again this time round. I can convince and reassure myself that I wasn't doing the right subjects back in secondary school, that I simply wasn't suited to maths and the sciences, and therefore my lacklustre grades were due to that. I can do that. I have done that. But I know also that my laziness and inability to kick myself into action accounted for part of the results too. Well, I can't kid myself any longer. I am now in the Arts Faculty, doing the subjects I've always loved. I can't blame anything or anyone but myself if I fail to deliver the grades at the A Levels. Goals and expectations must be realistic, yes, and I don't think I'll be terribly disappointed if i don't get straight As, provided I know I did my best. And therein lies the crunch, you see. Provided I know I did my best. I don't want to walk away from the A Levels feeling like I did after I got my O Level results, that feeling that I could have done better in such and such a subject if only I worked harder.

Whew, that's a lot of rhetoric coming out of me just before BT1. And it's only BT1 if you think about it. What would I say come prelims? And...I don't know if I can live up to my own expectations. I will just pray that God will give me the discipline to buckle down to my books. And who am I studying for anyway? I've seen many people counsel students to study for themselves. "Don't study for your parents or teachers. Think of it as though you're studying for your future." But aren't we supposed to study for God's glory? Jayce once made an interesting comment in cell. She said that even if she did well for a test, she wouldn't feel satisfied if she knew that she hadn't studied for it for God's glory. I confess that I cannot say the same. When I say I'm going to study for God's glory it's a euphemistic way of saying I'm going to study real hard, banking on my own strength, and if I do well and it happens to reflect well on God, whoopy day. When I get back good grades all too often my mind doesn't immediately thank God, until much later. It's often concerned with, who did I beat? How did I do it? Good job, Joel, for doing so well, give yourself a pat on the back...

I feel like such a hypocrite. I suppose studying for God means even when you're feeling down and tired, like you simply can't go on, you look up and see that what you're doing is all worthwhile when you realise that you have pleased the One you were created to please. CS Lewis put it so eloquently when he said that Heaven is when the redeemed soul learns, beyond all hope and beyond all belief, that she has finally managed to please Him whom she was created to please.

I'm so tired. It's been a long day. And each time I'm tired or irritated I snap at people very easily. Something else to work on...

Anyway, to end this post, I found Jael's name in the Bible and learnt that her namesake was the woman who drove a tent-peg through the forehead of an enemy general who was attacking the Israelites. Such vicious women we have in class...